I decided to crawl out of my igloo this morning to explore the great white tundra.  Seems like the sky didn't quite fall on our heads although at times last night I wasn't quite sure.

snow blind in the morning sun

wind sculptures

I found my car!!

there is colour in the world once more

HA! we have mountains!

 where are my snow shoes?

It's been snowing for more than 24 hours now.  Drifts outside the window are almost three feet high.  Snow flakes at times the size of small leaves, at other times as fine as dandruff has blanketed the ground reducing my world to monotone colour.  White ground, grey skies & brown trees bereft of leaves - spindly arms moving to the wind song in some ethereal dance.  Even the evergreens are looking forlorn and defeated after 5 months of winter. 

I ventured out briefly this morning for bread, milk and coffee.  The tires thrummed eerily along the tracks in the road.  Snow is an insulator and for the un-initiated the muffled sounds of silence can seem uncanny.  You probably wouldn't hear a bus if you were ten feet from it - just the crunch of it's tires as they crush into the ice.  

It is both peaceful and ominous. Driving is a challenge to say the least. The key to success is a feather touch. Every action - steering, braking, accelerating is carried out with precision and smoothness like cutting a diamond.  Always aware of the constant shift and drifts of the wheels.  I love winter.  Even after 20 years it has not lost it's appeal, it's allure it's enchantment.  This winter there is a world of difference.  This year I have someone to share with me my childish enthusiasm over the falling snow and the falling temperature.  Press your bare boobies against the window again babe it's only -5C.  It's your squeal I miss.

"Did you hear that Prince Harry has been serving in Afghanistan?"

"...ugh?"

"Well I hope he stays safe and they don't get him"

"...hmm"

It's so hard to feign interest when it relates to the royal family isn't it? Imagine having this conversation with a 50'ish male co-worker? Can you say OCKWAD?.  How much louder will this iPod touch go? Oh look! the cursor on my laptop moved...I must attend!!

Black and white

Always go together

And on day and night

Your the precious jewel I treasure

public commute casual conversations

Golden Globes show a Bust

Bjork Goes Bersek at Kiwi Snapper "

It's been awhile.  After a brief self-imposed hiatus to clear the looming piles of information, trivia and general nonsense that have been gathering around, I am pleased to announce the results.

I have gathered all the data, dusted them off with my Swiffer duster (it tickled), run them through the para-strombolyc filters (trippy), sorted them by colour (tedious), run them through the Green Light Phase Shifter Modular Stack (*squeal*) to ensure accuracy and arranged them so that the shiny side faced out (sweet!).  So without any further ah-do...

• 2% of you have admitted that flossing alone will not remove hair caught between your teeth.
• 4% have indicated that touching your toes during sex is considered talent.
• 16% would like to touch 'something' during sex.
• 23% have said that a beaver is a symbol of freedom from a male dominated society.
• 27% did not understand the question, indicating they have eaten beaver and do not know what all the fuss is about.
• 48% are afraid that they might miss the Second Coming as they tried to flick through 2000 songs on their new iPod Touch.
• 69% of the respondents would like a cure for virginity
• 99% of the polled would like me to update this thing. 

Note: as always, a +/- 2% accuracy must be taken into consideration. 
 

...this mattress is lumpy.  How old is it anyway? It can't be because I sleep only on the one side.  I make sure to rotate it every 6 months right?  once in spring, once in winter.  Wait a minute...have I flipped it over yet? I don't remember.  Damn! now if I flip it over after I have already done so, I will be sleeping on the same side.  If I don't turn it over and rotate I will end up sleeping on the same side until next spring! ah fuck!! How old is this mattress anyway? I remember buying it in May of 2001 so that makes it more than 6 years old.  hahaha...remember the futon? Christ what a piece of work that was.  I bet you it was the futon that aggravated my back.  Well go-karting didn't help either I suppose.  OK so this mattress is almost 7 years old.  It has a 10 year warranty.  And I haven't even used the small bottle of stain remover that came with it.  It's actually in pretty good shape.  I should try sleeping in the middle of the bed...to help even out the pressure on the coils.  Yes, this is a very good mattress even after all these years....and clean...virtually spotless.  Remember that mattress by the dumpster?  Jesus that was disgusting! how do people ever sleep on something like that??  how does it even get to such a state?? Should I buy another one? but I like this one.  It's actually one of the best mattresses I have slept on.  Firm but not too much with just the right amount of softness.  Maybe we could buy another one when we move out?  Imagine Goodwill's surprise when they come to pick it up...and I'm sure they've seen a few disasters.  Like all those stains.  What the fuck was that? blood? did someone die on it? those were huge fucking stains, brown and yellow and torn along the edge and who the fuck would buy a green mattress?? We could go back to Sleep Country and look at mattresses. Maybe a new bed? but I like this bed...it's cool...flat black metal with the wooden knobs. Sleeping in the middle is not going to work...now I'm too far away from the edge...hehehe...remember that night in Victoria on that king-size bed? that was funny.  Did I turn this mattress over? I remember doing it, but was that in spring? I should mark it down on the calendar or something.  But not on this calendar.  I haven't written anything on the calendar...I like that calendar.  Lea loves the calendar too...Almost time to get another one.  Fuck! where has the time gone!! I'm going to let Lea pick next years...I bet you we'd pick the same one anyway...maybe we could make our own...*smirk*.  Now wouldn't that make a great conversation piece when the family comes to visit. OK sleeping near the edge is much better...ha! I can feel an indent from my body...that means I didn't turn the mattress over....aaghh!!....what time is it anyway? 5:07...and it's Sunday...oh god....how long have I been awake...how long have I suffered from mild insomnia? when did it start? probably 1999? no...2000? hahaha....remember that sleep study? what a joke...hooked up to all those fucking wires like Frankenstein...and then they expect you to sleep??  and that heart rate monitor clipped to my little finger that glowed red...hehehe...ET call home...and then I had to go pee...agh fuck this! I may as well get out fo bed...I have to pee now.

I think it's time for a new award show.  One for the Best Buttered Slice of Bread.  Or is that Best Slice of Buttered Bread? bah....semantics.  Whatever.  Think about it.  How many slices of bread have you buttered in a lifetime? 5000? how about  more than 7000?  Now think about this the next time your slathering some of that churned cow's milk brought to your table courtesy of Gay Lea. How gay is Lea. No that was not the question-but I couldn't resist. I bet I beat you to it though.  It's like asking is Ben gay? get it? Ben Gay? you know...Ben...ah, never mind.  Sometimes I just get too far ahead of myself for my own damn good.

But back to butter.  Just picture the award.  It could be fashioned after the Genie, only fatter.  A lot fatter.  Portly, in a Pillsbury Dough Boy sort of way.  And it would be scratch n' sniff ready.  Imagine that!  You could stand (or sit) at the podium and offer up pearls of wisdom in your acceptance speech such as:

"Always know which side your bread is buttered" or

"If it's not one teat, it's an udder" or how about,

"I would've kissed her butter lips got in the way!" Wait, wait....one more

"The bigger they are the larder they'll fall!"

HA!

HA! HA! 

*ahem*...I swear, if my dick didn't get in the way, I'd slap my knee instead.  How do I live with myself? 

when done,

with someone

else's hand

STEPS IN OVERCOMING MASTURBATION

                           Mark E. Petersen
                      Council of the 12 Apostles


        Be assured that you can be cured of your difficulty. Many have been,
both male and female, and you can be also if you determine that it must be so.

This determination is the first step. That is where we begin. You
must decide that you will end this practice, and when you make that decision,
the problem will be greatly reduced at once.

But it must be more than a hope or a whish, more than knowing that it
is good for you. It must be actually a DECISION.  If you truly make up your
mind that you will be cured, then you will have the strength to resist any
tendencies which you may have and any temptations which may come to you.

After you have made this decision, then observe the following specific
guidelines:

                       A Guide to Self-Control:

    1.  Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during
        normal toilet processes.

    2.  Avoid being alone as much as possible.  Find good company
        and stay in this good company.

    3.  If you are associated with other persons having this same
        problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP.  Never
        associate with other people having the same weakness.  Don't
        suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will.
        You must get away from people of that kind.  Just to be in
        their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind.
        The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where
        it really exists.  Your mind must be on other and more
        wholesome things.

    4.  When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror.  Never
        stay in the bath more than five or six minutes -- just long
        enough to bathe and dry and dress AND THEN GET OUT OF THE
        BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your
        family present.

    5.  When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the
        most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you
        cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would
        be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those
        clothes.  By the time you started to remove protective
        clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your
        thinking that the temptation would leave you.

    6.  If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed,
        GET OUT OF BED AND GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOURSELF A
        SNACK, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if
        you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining
        weight.  The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET
        YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE.  You are the subject of your
        thoughts, so to speak.

    7.  Never read pornographic material.  Never read about your
        problem.  Keep it out of mind.  Remember -- "First a
        thought, then an act."
                The thought pattern must be changed.  You must not
        allow this problem to remain in your mid.  When you
        accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act.

    8.  Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times.  Read
        good books -- Church books -- Scriptures -- Sermons of the
        Brethern [sic, Cistern too?].  Make a daily habit of reading
        at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the
        four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon.  The
        four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John -- above
        anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their
        uplifting qualities.

    9.  Pray.  But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for
        that will tend to keep [it] in your mind more than ever.  Pray
        for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray
        for the Missionaries, the General Authorities, your friends,
        your families, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT
        MENTIONING IT EVER -- NOT IN CONVERSATION WITH OTHERS, NOT
        IN YOUR PRAYERS.  KEEP IT _OUT_ of your mind!

"You know when you pop a zit on your face and it lands rather unceremoniously on the bathroom mirror...? well, if you leave it there long enough it will harden like cement"
   "Why are you telling me this?"
"Well I was going to tell you about the incident with the chipmunk but found this more fascinating!"
   "Have you thought of talking to someone?"
"Yes. I'm talking to you"

"The world is full of kings and queens
Who blind your eyes and steal your dreams"
~Black Sabbath (Heaven and Hell)

"He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her" John 8:7
"Small minds discuss people, average minds discuss events, great minds discuss ideas"~Eleanor Roosevelt

It's funny, not in an ha-ha kind of way, but in more like a funny-peculiar kinda twist. Like when your walking into church and your thong somehow has managed to twist itself and is now riding just a little bit more higher than it should. And you don't know if you should reach around and surreptitiously pull it out while standing in line while waiting to receive the host. Or perhaps sit through the sermon, wiggling around on the wooden pew just so that the sermon seems a little less boring today-as you say to yourself, "that's funny, I seem to enjoy this".

But, anyway...as I was saying, it's funny. That even though I do not subscribe to any organized religion, try not to call my self agnostic even though it defines my values, I can still quote the Bible with the best of the Bible-thumpers and zealots any one can throw at me. I suppose it's the product of 15 years of being indoctrinated into the wonders of the Holy Scriptures. Like fingerprints, the memories of being dragged from one denomination to another; Methodists, Pentecosts, Catholic, Evangelists (I met Bill Graham in person) & Jehovah's Witnesses, by a mother that was in constant search of happiness and peace has left indelible archs, loops and whorls imprinted upon this weathered soul.

We are all hypocrites in one form another. It's a base human characteristic. We have lied, cheated, stolen, abused, mis-used & hurt in order to escape some kind of punishment or to gain an advantage. We might have felt guilty afterwards for our actions or we might have sat down with a tub of Ben & Jerry's  and basked in our exploits. Either way, there is no one here among us that is without sin. In the end what separates the holier-than-thous from the self-righteous from the morally retentive from the rest of us is the level of maturity and integrity ingrained in us all. Some of us have it, some of us don't. And yet others are simply incapable of looking deep within themselves to seek the goodness that lies just beneath the surface.
(scratching the surface, you better come up for air)

Happiness is a warm gun, sang the Beatles. What makes you happy? bouncing breasts, the expression on someone's face as they step in doggy doo-doo, A mindless sitcom? Some find it within the innocent laughter of children. The smell of a puppy, friends. Even family, including aunt Edna whose teeth pop out everytime she laughs. Or could happiness be found in something as simple as the warmth of a lover's smile. Perhaps the comfort of a soft hand in yours. Maybe even the deep breathing of your woman, her breasts rising and falling against your arm as you lie awake with the sun poking it's fingers through the bedroom blinds. Does it make you happier when you give (head?) than to receive? How do you measure happiness. What price the pleasure's of the heart?

Happiness can be as fleeting as a breath in time or it could last a lifetime. It could lurk around the next corner or it could shadow your stride. We can find it in the stroke of a cheek or in the blurred images of a million pixels written across your screen. Who decides that one is right while the other is wrong? Why condemn those that find it, no matter how difficult the quest or easy the moment. Is it jelousy that gives us the right to judge. Or could it be the crooked fingers of malcontent tearing at our hearts that prevent us from feeling joy in another's elation.  

"I am so happy for her/him!" Really? But what about those un-spoken accompanying thoughts that crouch within the dark corridors of our minds.

"He's an idiot, but as long as she's happy". "she used to be a slut, but she might've settled down". "what does she see in him?". "she probably gives good head". "it must be his money".

"Rob the grave to snow the cradle
Then burn the evidence down
Soapbox house of cards and glass so
Don't go tossin' your stones around" ~Tool (The Pot)

 As I have aged, I have changed. I like to say that deep inside is still the same person from many moons ago. And yes even though that little boy in shorts and bare feet that used to chase cars every evening still lives inside, my values, my ethics and my goals have evolved as I have grown. I no longer want to run faster than the next car. I no longer want to push an old tire around making vroom, vroom sounds. I don't slap the monkey 5 times a day (not that I don't sometimes wish too!). And I don't have the desire to look up girls skirts anymore. What I have lost in childhood innocence, I have gained in knowledge and tolerance (and the ability to stay harder, longer). I watch a lot more porn, only because I can. I try not to judge. I realize that my faults do not give me the right to reproach those whose actions are favourable to themselves. While I do know that certain things are morally and ethically wrong and civilization must be governed by set rules and laws, happiness found in the simple pleasure of another persons presence can never be wrong. No matter what the circumstances that led you to each other. 

How do we separate art from pornography or is there a difference. Is pornography wrong? The argument has been put forth that porn is to blame for spousal abuse, rape, prostitution, the de-humanizing of women, the break up of families, not to mention the blindness and hairy palms that accompanies aggressive masturbation. Does looking at images of a women's naked breasts invoke the sudden desire to rape and pillage? didn't we all, at one point or another suckle at our mother's breasts? so we're already tarnished then. Who knows what thoughts went through my head as I kneaded my mother's mammalian glands. Why are we so ashamed of our bodies and the portrayal of our nude forms in one medium or another, whether it be on canvas, paper, film. (Mirror, mirror on the wall...) Is the sight of a woman's body so repulsive to some that they must shield themselves behind religious dogma and ignorance. Or worse yet, force a woman to cover up in the name of chasteness and decency. Whose sense of decency governs us? Whose directions do we trust? Who controls the kings and the masters? Who censors the censors?

"O beautiful, for spacious skies
But now those skies are threatening
Theyre beating plowshares into swords
For this tired old man that we elected king" ~Don Henley (The End of the Innocence)

(You're going to die) 

No I'm not. 

No I am not! It was only a fruit fly.

It was too damn small to make a difference.

Are you kidding me? there was a cup of milk and a scoop of protein powder already in it.